Sarah Palin, or The Bad Re-make of ‘Pretty Woman’

By Patricia Wilson-Smith

Ok. Seriously. I was just sitting here on my lumpy couch, minding my own business, getting my steady diet of news about the election, when I saw something that convinced me that either a) I have a brain tumor, or b) someone has punched a hole in the space time continuum. Or both.

Today, at a townhall-style rally with Wisconsin voters, Sarah Palin, the least vetted candidate for high public office in all of history, suggested yet again, that Americans need to get to know the ‘real’ Barack Obama, and that because of his nefarious associations – and this is when I think I felt my brain tumor twitch – Barack Obama would ‘diminish the prestige of the presidency’.

For real, Sarah?

It’s hard to even know where to begin. Matt Damon suggested that this all seemed like a bad Disney movie, but if you ask me, it’s starting to feel more like a bad re-make of ‘Pretty Woman’.

Let me just ask you this – just this ONE question. Would the American electorate have to endure this crap if John McCain had plucked an over-weight, bespectacled white woman out of obscurity, lined her up on stage next to him with her pregnant daughter and newly cleaned-up beau after being unable to prove that he had vetted her in any meaningful way? Would we be forced to suspend disbelief about, oh, experience, and relevence of education to the veep job if Sarah Palin herself were in fact a fat, dumpy, pimply-faced woman, who had gone to 5 different colleges before finally managing to squeak out a degree in Journalism (a profession which she would go on to flame out in before running for Mayor of a town with a population smaller than some college graduating classes)? And if this less than attractive woman was partial to shootin’ forest creatures out of a helicopter and being prayed for by witch-hunting evangelical extremists, I dunno – do you think the situation would be just an itty-bitty bit different?

You betcha, there. My friends to the right of the political spectrum can say what they will – Sarah Palin has mesmerized these otherwise mostly rational Americans who call themselves Conservatives not with her staunch right-wing beliefs or glowing readiness for high office, but literally with a wink and a smile. And she’s done so while being coddled like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, one of the most irritating moves of all time, being spirited away whenever a real journalist or even a college student gets too close to asking her a substantive question. And yet, there she was today, standing before yet another adoring crowd actually asking the question with a straight face – when are Americans going to get the answers they need about Barack Obama?

Man, Sarah – for real?

I have all the answers I need about Barack Obama, Sarah-poo. He’s been deflecting upper cuts and body blows from the media for going on two years now. No, I’m good on Barack. I am however, like many other sane Americans, still curious about a couple of things where you’re concerned, my friend.

Like the whole ‘Trooper-gate’ saga. Of course, since you’ve refused to answer questions about that, I guess I’m what you’d call ‘outta luck, there’.

Okay – well, how about that ‘bridge to friggin’ nowhere, thing?’ I’d like a couple of answers about why you claimed to oppose it when you were photographed wearing a t-shirt saying that you supported it? Any answers on that one? No, I guess not.

Well shucks, let’s see. How about that snarly Alaskan Sucessionist thing – can I at least get a dead-pan denial about that? Hmmmm, crickets on that one as well. Well gosh, darn it!

Alright, missy – what I’d really like to know is why you’re not answering the tough questions that are being posed of Senators Obama and Biden on a daily basis. Heck, even Senator McCain for that matter. It’s the very fact that you, who has been more sequestered from the media than any candidate for the vice presidency that I can personally recall, would actually stand up before crowds of your admirerers and demand answers from Senator Obama, that I’m convinced that we all now live in a world where up has become down. And the beautiful can get away with anything.

Let’s face it – I am a heterosexual woman, and even I know that Sarah Palin is gorgeous. It’s creepy. It is after all, part of our human nature to be drawn towards those things that we perceive as visually appealing, I get that. But to hear the endless drivel, the consistently non-sensical, cataclysmically sophmoric retorts come spewing from Sarah Palin day after day, in some way creates this weird dichotomy of reactions, where you can’t help but think she’s cute, even as you wretch over what you’re hearing.

The whole thing has taken on air of surrealness that I can’t WAIT to see end. Her candidacy, and any gains she has made for the Republican ticket is nothing but a reminder that even with something this important, there are those of us who will always be slaves to our baser selves.

So Sarah – I ain’t made atcha. Lucky for America, your presence is a temporary one, and after November 4th, only the wild animals of Alaska will need fear ‘ya. But until that time, I’d give anything, a lung, a right arm, anything, if you would stop with the Jedi mind tricks – you came along a little late, dear. This country has gotten to know Barack Obama VERY well, which is why he is in the position that he’s in right now, and you’re in the unenviable position of playing attack dog for a man who himself is being dogged by his unpopular policies and a series of gaffes, mis-steps, and straight up blunders that rival any in modern American politics. But hey – you really are goshed darn pretty!

About Patricia Wilson-Smith

Patricia Wilson-Smith is a freelance writer and author of the romantic comedy "Duped By Love". She is a regular contributor to She Unlimited Magazine, and covers special events as a special on-air correspondent.
This entry was posted in Commentary, Did You Know?, Issues, Politics, Polls, The Campaign Trail and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Sarah Palin, or The Bad Re-make of ‘Pretty Woman’

  1. “and after November 4th, only the wild animals of Alaska will need fear ‘ya” Ummm and the 600,000 or so Americans that live up here in Alaska. OK, so fear is too strong a word. If she isn’t VP, she will still be our governor. I’m one of the unmentioned Alaskans who think she is making a great governor but not ready for national politics. Another thing I may add is that the governor’s office is now being for all intent and purposes run by the McCain campaign and we (her own people) can’t get any answers to state matters. I for one will be glad when this thing is over so we can get our governor back.

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