A Brief History of the Michigan and Florida Primary Debacle

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(Uncredited from TalkingPointsMemo.com) – March 22, 2008, 12:12PM
DNC: Iowa, NH, SC and NV will go before Super Tuesday. Any other state that schedules a primary before the (already absurdly early) Super Tuesday Primary will be awarded no delegates.

Michigan and Florida: Okay, makes sense. We’re on board with that.

Michigan and Florida: On second thought, we’ve now decided that we’re more important than all the other big states that are abiding by the rules we agreed to. We hate these small states because the always decide the whole thing.

DNC: Please don’t do that. You know we will not be able to award you delegates if you do that. You agreed to those rules.

Michigan and Florida: F**k you. You know you’ll never impose those rules on us. We’re too big and important.

DNC: Please, we’re begging you. We have to enforce these rules. If we lose control of this process, the first primaries next time will be in July of 2011. You are creating a nightmare scenario. Please don’t do this.

Michigan and Florida: (Flip bird.) Hah! You wouldn’t dare! We’re too big and important to have to obey your rules. You know it and we know it so just stop the posturing.

DNC: Please, please, please don’t do this. We’re on our knees here.

Obama: I’ll support whatever the DNC says.

Hillary: I’ll support whatever the DNC says. But I’m going to leave my name on the Michigan ballot, just in case, but la de da, no need to worry. Doesn’t matter anyway. I would never, ever, ever, come back and try to act like an election where I’m the only person on the ballot and no delegates are at stake meant something.

Michigan and Florida: Blah, blah, blah! Rules are for chumps.

DNC: Don’t do this.

Hillary: Man, I’m really getting my ass kicked, here. Y’know, that Michigan thing is looking really important. And didn’t that bad Obama guy break his pledge not to campaign in Florida by running ads on national cable TV? (sotto voice aside: Goddammit, Patti, why aren’t we running ads on national cable TV? Patti? Patti? We do have enough money to run ads on national cable if we wanted to, right?)

Michigan: Here we go.

DNC: Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Obama: Sigh. Hillary’s getting ready to break her promise not to campaign in Florida. She’s setting up venue and arguing that my running ads on national cable violates my promise not to campaign there even though I cleared the ads with IA, NH, NV, and SC.

Hillary: Never, never, never. He’s just telling big fat lies like the big lying coke dealing Jessie Jackson-like man he is, SC. But, la de da now that I’ve gotten my ass kicked much harder than expected in SC, for reasons I simply cannot fathom, I’m going to toddle down to Florida for a *wink*wink* fundraiser. Oh, and I’m going to schedule a little victory party too, bucause I now think Florida’s primary will show that people really really do like me (sotto voice aside: get Bill Nelson on the phone!)

DNC: Okay, we warned you, we begged you and you did it anyway. No delegates.

Michigan and Florida: WAAAHHHH!!!!! THAT’S NOT FAIRRRRR! YOU’RE DISENFRANCHISING US! NOBODY TOLD US ABOUT ANY OLD RULES!!!!!

DNC: Calm down. You still have time to schedule new primaries that will count.

Hillary: I’ve decided that since my plans have gone to crap and I need those results as they are in elections where I was pretty much the only one running, I’m going to rush to the support of the sacred right of Michigan and Florida to break the rules. I oppose a revote and demand that their delegates be seated.

Florida and Michigan: See, see, Hillary will save us! We don’t need to schedule a revote because HIllary’s on our side!

Obama: I’ll support whatever the DNC says.

DNC: Please schedule a revote while there’s still time because we’re not going to give you a pass on this.

Obama: I’ll support whatever the DNC says.

Hillary: No, no, no, millions already voted for meeeeeee! They must be given to meeee! There’s a sacred totally not opportunistic reversal of a prior pledge at stake here.

Florida and Michigan. Yeah, what she said. And, anyways, we can’t afford a revote.

DNC: Please schedule a revote while there’s still time.

Florida and Michigan: Gulp. Hillary’s sure losing a lot of races. Maybe we better schedule a revote. But we’re still not paying for it, see? This is all your fault, DNC. We’re not doing anything until you agree to pay us to clean up after ourselves.

DNC: No. We’re kinda broke right now, but you could raise unlimited soft money to finance it. But tick tock, people. Schedule the revote while there’s still time.

Hillary: No revotes! No revotes ever! Those people voted for me and I must have their delegates. It’s an important principle at stake here. Principle, principle, I say!

Obama: I’ll support whatever the DNC says.

Florida and Michigan: Maybe we better look into scheduling a revote.

Hillary: No. Okay, maybe. But only if it’s set up in a way that favors me. No. Wait, I mean yes. If it’s in favor of me.

Obama: I’ll support whatever the DNC says, but I’m not going to stand by and let Hillary rig the revote in her favor.

Florida and Michigan: We can’t afford this. We squandered all our money on the vote in January. We demand that you pay for a new vote or we’re going to be very, very mad at you and we’ll vote for McCain. How about the campaigns kicking in some dough?

Hillary: Umm, errrr, ummmm. Ahem. Oh, sure. We’ll do it. We have plenty of money. Lots and lots and lots. Boy, we have so much coming in that we just have boxes and boxes of loose cash sitting around our offices. (sotto voice aside: for God’s sake get out there and round up some of our maxed out fatcats to fund the goddam thing before we have to admit we’re broke!)

Obama: I’ll support whatever the DNC says, but I’m noticing that we’re kinda getting to the point where we may not be able to have a vote that doesn’t create more problems than it solves.

DNC: Look, here’s a bunch of Hillary’s fatcats who’ll fund it. Now submit a plan.

Florida and Michigan: We won’t submit a plan until the campaigns agree in advance to support whatever we do.

DNC and Obama: Tick tock, people. Cart before the horse.

Hillary: We demand a revote in both states. That’s what we’ve always said.

Florida: Okay, we admit it. We’re can’t hold a decent election under perfect circumstances and we’re not capable of throwing one together at the last mintues that won’t be a total disaster. We give up.

Michigan: alright, alright, here’s our hastily thrown together plan.

Obama: We feel compelled to point out that the plan submitted by Michigan is likely to be invalidated on Constitutional grounds.

Hillary: Obama’s acting like the law has some sort of legal significance. Obstructor! Thwarter of the people’s will! I’m flying in to Michigan and I’m going to use my vast Clinton clout to push this thing through.

Michigan: Geez, it looks like Obama is going to win this thing. We don’t want to be seen doing Hillary’s bidding here. And, anyway, our plan is totally unworkable. Okay, we give up too.

Hillary: This is all Obama’s fault!

Michigan and Florida voters: This is all the DNC’s fault!

MSM: Boy, that Obama sure is slick. Scuttled revotes in Florida and Michigan and isn’t even getting blamed for it. Chuckle, chuckle, chortle.

Hillary: WAAAAAAAAH!

About Patricia Wilson-Smith

Patricia Wilson-Smith is a freelance writer and author of the romantic comedy "Duped By Love". She is a regular contributor to She Unlimited Magazine, and covers special events as a special on-air correspondent.
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One Response to A Brief History of the Michigan and Florida Primary Debacle

  1. doug meerschaert says:

    wow !

    this was great, i really liked it.

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